Caring Without Wearing: Week 3

As I studied my way through this chapter, I found myself day wishing we could be in one room together, practicing and discussing what we are learning. Hopefully, we can each stretch a bit and enjoy a great practice and discussion session. Are you ready?

Carol says our most valuable caring skill is listening. I found this to be a very hopeful concept since I often don’t know what to say or do in difficult circumstances. Her definitions of active listening were helpful—I think my favorite was the simple statement that “listening is the conscious effort to hear.” (pg. 28) And, as I continued my reading, I could immediately think of people with whom I need to practice active listening.

For your comments this week, I’d like to ask that you start by answering question #1 on page 29.

Then, choose one of the ‘A-E’ situations and share your answer with us.

We’ll each need to do questions 4 & 5 on our own. Please share your response to Mary (question 5 on page 33.)

Then, let’s close this week’s time together by sharing our response to questions 8 & 9. My mom is the person for whom I need to grow my listening skills. She is 80, lives far from me, calls often and my role in her life is to fix things—relationships, problems, even her days. I’m praying I can practice more active listening with her.

I’m looking forward to sitting in this chapter this week and learning how to actively listen. Please share your responses with us—let’s grow together!

Caring Without Wearing: Week 2

I’m imagining we have gathered at my house for a fall supper of soup, hearty bread and a yummy pumpkin crisp dessert. Now, we’re sitting around the living room and it’s time to share about our Week Two study from Caring without Wearing. Each one of us has cared for someone this week—we each have hurting people in our lives. We have much in common, much to share.
As you dive into this week’s study, be prepared to be surprised at how much you do to care for others. I sure was! Take time to soak in the scriptures and consider how these truths are lived out in your life.

I just got home from a week spent in Washington where my husband and I moved my aunt who is losing herself from her Seattle condo to an assisted living apartment in Bellingham. I cleaned, sorted, packed, moved and settled, while my husband oversaw painters, carpenters, and carpet layers so her condo can go on the market this week. The actions of my hands served, but my heart loved as I tried to prepare my aunt for the huge, confusing changes. After the work was done, I gave her a tour of her new apartment, hoping she will eventually adjust to her new life. My heart is so sad for the changes I see in her even as I’m glad I was able to help her move into a safer place.

Help is often given in sad situations. For me, the work is less of a burden than the emotions that go with the situations loved ones, needy ones, are facing. Carol’s goal is to help us learn how to care appropriately while also learning how to go the distance and not burn out.

This week’s lesson has so many wonderful questions, but again, we only have space to share a few answers with each other. May I please stress how important your participation is to our progress in growing in this area? Thank you for taking time to share what God is teaching you. We will learn and be changed, too, through the lessons you are learning.

1. In questions 1-7, Carol had us look at several scriptures. What is one take-away lesson you have from this part of our study?

2. The list on page23 revealed surprising results for me. How did you respond to question #10?

3. Now, please share a story from your life for question #12.

4. Choose either question 13 or 14 to answer.

Carol’s story about the healing power of being there reminded me of something Dr. Brent Lindquist, President of Link Care Center (and my boss) recently shared about people in Haiti. He said so many Haitians have nothing to give and yet they have so much to give to each other. They can attend to each other, give the gift of time/presence, and affirm one another’s life/experiences. Simple, amazing treasures we can give when we think have nothing to give.

Caring Without Wearing: Week One

Week one—Welcome to our small group study!

Yes—this book club selection is really a small group study! Carol Travilla’s book, Caring Without Wearing, is going to be a blessing to each one of us as we read and reflect on her wisdom. This selection is a bit different than our past books as it is written as a small group guide. That means, if you are reading this book with us, we are going to need to hear from you. Your participation is going to be so important to the success of our book study and to your ability to really take in what Carol is teaching us.

We won’t be able to take the space on the blog to answer every question Carol presents. I’m hoping to be able to choose the questions we should each answer—so this book study will be a bit more directed than other books have been. I’m looking forward to reading your responses and to learning with you how to care without wearing out.

Questions:

1. Carol suggests that we introduce ourselves and I think that is a great idea. In just a few sentences, please introduce yourself, telling us what you think we should know about you. (I realize there may be security concerns so we won’t press to get information you don’t feel safe to share.)

2. Share one experience when you needed and received care. What did that care look like? List words to describe the kind of care you received.

3. When you read the story of Elizabeth and Mary in Luke 1, what thoughts about their situation inform your idea of caring?

4. Is there a person you are being called to care for? Can you share that person’s name and situation? How can we pray? Please, everyone—take time to pray for these people who need care.

New Book: Starts October 11

The Next Book: Caring without Wearing: The Art of Self-Care While Caring for Others, Carol Travilla

Starts: October 11

Order yours by clicking on the book cover.

From Carol Travilla: "If the terms 'self care' or 'soul care' seem selfish to you, I invite you to engage in this study with other people on a similar journey as yours. Take time to notice in Scripture how Jesus cared for people in need and learn from His great example. My prayer for you is that you will receive His invitation to learn the 'unforced rhythms of grace and live freely and lightly' (Matthew 11:28, The Message)."

As We Forgive: Week 7-- Pages 232-264

The quote that opens this section is from Mary McCarthy. She says, “In violence we forget who we are.” Mary, who was orphaned at 6, knew a bit about violence from the abusive relatives that raised her for a few years before her maternal grandparents intervened and rescued her. And, though she was raised Catholic—she walked away from the Christian faith. In our book, we have read how violence did cause people to lose themselves—to be swept away by something horribly huge—something that changed them forever.

This last section tells another story of transformation. By now I know the pattern our author, Catherine, takes in her storytelling and I have to steal myself to fall in love with people who will be hurt in incomprehensible ways.

We first read of Claude—an innocent you man, and then we read of Innocent—a man who kills members of Claude’s family. We read how the violence took root in Claude’s heart and grew hatred, bitterness and a plan to return violence for violence. And, then we see God intervene, transform and bring amazing forgiveness that not only touches Claude but the people he purposes to meet and forgive.

Claude’s life is dramatically changed during his journey towards forgiveness. “I feel as though I’m free in my heart now. Before I forgave, I was small. Now I’m big.” Though his life is completely different- Claude has to continue to choose to forgive, to live peaceably with the people who had been his family’s enemies. The scars of his life will always be with him. Parents and a sister are missing from his family circle—killed with unforgiveable violence. Yet, Claude has turned from death to life, living forgiveness and working with other victims to help them rebuild their lives with forgiveness in their hearts for those who took so much from them.

Catherine ends her sections with interludes and this time, the interlude is a postlude. I am a bit relieved to be at the end of this book—the stories have been hard to read and convicting. What huge lives our forgiving heroes are living. They are really following in Christ’s footsteps. I’m sure it isn’t easy, that they have bad days when evil feelings threaten to steal the peace they’ve come to know with Christ’s help. And, it really is only because of Christ that they have been able to forgive, reconcile and help rebuild their beautiful country. Jesus, when he rose from the grave, still had scars—like our heroes. His scars were visible proof of the violence he had suffered and the forgiveness he had given.

Catherine writes on page 264, “When God raised this man, Jesus Christ, from the dead, he didn’t take away his scars. These scars testify to his pain, to his love, and to the extent to which God will go to conquer the evil of the world through the active suffering of forgiveness.”

There are scars in my life—real ones that have changed me and people I love. My daughter was sexually abused as an MK—though healed and whole, she isn’t the same person she would have been if this had never happened. I struggle with forgiveness—doing much better when the scars aren’t visible, but when they are rarely apparent, I feel emotions I thought were gone forever. And, I have to confront those feelings, the lies that come with them, and—all over again,seek truth and the ability to forgive.

“Forgive us our debts as we forgive others debts…” Please God, help me to forgive. No matter what! I have been forgiven so much—may I always be willing to live in forgiveness with those you have placed in my life.

This is our last week to post on this book. Do you have a transformational forgiveness story of your own to tell? We’d love to hear it and praise our Lord with you. Do you have a story that hasn’t reached forgiveness yet? We’d love to hear it, too—and pray with you.

If those stories aren’t yours, please post how this book has impacted you. Thank you for reading this life-changing book with me. I’ve grown as I’ve read and your comments have been a very important part of my rich experience with, As We Forgive.

NEXT BOOK CLUB: OCTOBER 11...see sidebar for book and ordering info for Caring without Wearing, by Carol Travilla

As We Forgive: Week 6 -- pages 189-231

If you watched me read this book, you would see mixture of expressions—disbelief at the horror, incredulity at the forgiveness, amazement at the redemption. This section had it all—but with amazing courage thrown in.

As we read these pages, we’re introduced to young people who will be confronted with terror, torture and death. We read of their baby steps towards recovery after the killings, and then of the renewed killing that demands courage beyond what I’ve ever had to practice. These kids are heroes! I have so much to learn from them.

After the violence, through God’s call on his life, one of the young men, Phanuel, becomes an ambassador of reconciliation. He often talks to large groups, and young people are his favorite audience. Part of his message to them would be a message fit for anyone who has suffered something that seems unforgiveable. He says, “We must find a way to forgive. I stand before you today as someone who has personally wrestled with this…. The only way that I’ve found, the only way I know to tell you, is through Jesus Christ. Beaten, mocked, despised, tortured, Christ in his final words here on earth called out, pleading for God to forgive the perpetrators. He was pleading for the forgiveness of you, of me, of the people who have hurt our families and our friends…” (Page 223) This powerful passage reminds me that in Christ the unforgiveable sin is forgivable because He already forgave.

I think you will find the reflective passage very helpful. The author shares how “growing empathy, seeing another person in a larger context, rehearsing positive traits, increasing positive interactions and decreasing negative ones, cultivating cultures and characters of forgiveness, and making meaning together to restore relationships can work to maintain the reconciled relationships we have worked so hard to build.” (Page 231) Personally, I find great hope in these well-thought out tools.

As we post this week—and yes, I really want you to post—we need your thoughts, please reflect on your forgiveness journey. Have you ever forgiven an unforgivable? Have you been able to build any kind of relationship with someone who hurt you or those you love? What did that look like? I look forward to reading your posts!